Daily Mail

Hey guys! My computer's been broken for a bit.. but now we're back up and running thought I'd stop by and say hi!! And also have a bit of a grumble..

Aren't you so pleased? :P

So this grumble is generally aimed at the Daily Mail, and the media in general I suppose.
So for those of you who aren't aware, as I realize many of you won't be, The Daily Mail is a large, nation newspaper in the UK.

I came across an article they'd published on their online news page about the stigma towards Mental Health Disorders. I started reading in good faith, thinking how good it was that a national newspaper was aware of, and acting upon, the false stigmas surrounding Mental Health Disorders. However as I read further, it became apparent that if they were trying to beat the stigmas they were doing a truly awful job. In fact, it sounded as though the writer of the article agreed with the stigmas and were trying to reinforce them on the nation, rather than trying to eliminate them.

Here is a link to the article which, despite objections from various organisations, is still publish on their website - http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2055716/Breaking-mental-health-taboo.html#ixzz1cTN8PgFv

It is entitled "We need to talk about breaking the mental health taboo." This filled me with hope when I first saw it, as I thought that not only did they realize there were people suffering from Mental Health Disorders, they also realized a way of helping was stopping the taboo and making more people willing to talk and listen about it.

But as I read further into the article, it appears that the writer, too, paints people who suffer from Mental health Disorders with the same stigmas that many others do. It also seems as though the writer is more concerned with the cost for care of people with Mental Health Disorders.

The pictures that they have chosen to go with the article also trouble me.. They seem to be painting those with Mental Health Disorders as abnormal, far from the real world, lost in their own minds, and not able to cope.

With phrases like "Yet in many ways the report is optimistic that these problems can be defeated." the article seems to imply that it does not think the problems we face can be defeated. 


The general gist behind the article appears, to me at least, to imply that it costs to much for care of those with Mental Health Disorders, and that they are a danger to society and should not be admitted into community support schemes. 


If they did set off with good intentions to reducing the stigma towards Mental Health Disorders.. they failed, completely and utterly. I don't really know what else to say. I find it pretty hard when there are these stigmas, that are not good, healthy or beneficial That's hard enough, the fact that they exist. But the fact that media is encouraging them..
It's almost sickening..



:):
xo


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2055716/Breaking-mental-health-taboo.html#ixzz1cZhpd6WW

Bipolar Disorder For Dummies

So I'm gonna start this entry with an apology.. like I seem to start most of my entries with.. so yeah, sorry about that!! So yes.. I'd just like to say sorry to any of you guys that took the time to read my last blog entry because to be honest it was a load of rubbish. The point I was trying to make was there, but unfortunately it was masked by an overwhelming amount of utter crap. So yeah.. that entry will come back some time in the future I'm sure, once I've got it sorted out and written better.

So this is just going to be a very quick entry about Facebook Groups and a book called Bipolar Disorder For Dummies.

So first of all the Facebook groups. I don't know if any of you guys have Facebook.. I do but I know lots of people who don't. Erm so yeah, Facebook and MSN and all this can be really bad for internet bullying and that but there's also some great support things out there as well. There's the 'Time To Talk, Time To Change' group that there are details of in my last blog. They have a Facebook page and their own website.
There's a 'Love is Louder' group on Facebook. It's not really anything to do with Bipolar Disorder but it's great for uniting people and spreading the message that basically love is louder than anything we have to go through, including Bipolar Disorder. So here's a link to that : http://www.facebook.com/joinloveislouder
Also there's a load of Bipolar groups or Bipolar support groups from various places in the world aimed at various groups of people. I've found a couple of good ones but if you just search Bipolar Groups or something at the top of Facebook you'll find lots of good stuff. The one I've most recently joined, and found most helpful, is :http://www.facebook.com/groups/129406780491540/. Now don't be fooled by the lack of people or the newness of the group. The people on there are so willing to help or just have a chat, I felt right at home talking to them straight away. There's such a range of different people as well, and they're all willing to share.
So there are loads of great things out there on the internet if you know where to look, and even if you don't. There's things you'll just stumble upon that will come in very handy.

Now.. 'Bipolar Disorder For Dummies.'
What can I say? It's great for everyone really. It's helped me loads and taught me a lot that I didn't know or thought I knew but actually didn't. It gives real life (or almost real life) stories of what people have gone through. And it's funny as well! It's not like really heavy reading, it's honest, it doesn't paint Bipolar to be something amazing or lovely or anything, but it's not really depressing reading.
It's the type of book that suits everyone, whether you want to read it from cover to cover or just dip into a chapter about a certain aspect of Bipolar Disorder. It's so amazingly great for people that haven't been diagnosed or are unsure what their diagnosis means, or for people that just want to know a bit more. It's got a section aimed at people that are supporting family or friends that have Bipolar and it helpfully draws attention to the parts which you can skip because only really doctors or lawyers would be interested in it. It's a really great book and I would recommend it to anyone :)
I've got a copy in a format that I can e-mail. So if anyone's interested just let me know and I'll get that to you :) I really can't stress how amazing it is and how much I love it. :)

Anyways, that's all I think :)

Time To Talk. Time To Change

So basically this is gonna be a really short entry (hopefully!) just to tell you guys about the "Time To Talk. Time To Change" campaign. It's basically an on going campaign to erase the stigma that seems to follow Mental Health Disorders where ever they go..
As the title suggests it's basically about talking about it!! You guys have been brilliant about talking about it :) And talking about my experiences has been really, really great. Loads of people have been so understanding and like interested! Which really surprised me at first.

So yeah.. hopefully if the links and stuff works.. (I haven't used links before in this blog! :o exciting right?!) hopefully, you lovely people will be able to go straight to the website for "Time to Talk. Time To Change" right... here :
 http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/home

And right here (hopefully) you guys will be able to go straight to a YouTube advert about what "Time To Talk. Time To Change." is all about (!) :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tiYbhVBjTk

So have a look around, see what it's all about, follow the campaign on twitter and facebook and all those lovely things :)

Feeling Sleepy?

So.. I wanted to talk about SLEEP.

As we all know, we need sleep, if we didn't get sleep, we would die. End of.

So what about when you just can't get to sleep? What then? I want to know.. what do you guys do? Any wacky before bed rituals?? :)

So my parents say as I child I never slept. When I was a baby I would be waking them up every hour or so, just crying, and wouldn't go back to sleep for ages. Something which I still think they hold against me now.. Unlike my perfect big brother who slept through the whole of the night every night haha. Anyone else have that? A sibling that's perfect in every way?? :P
And then as a kid (well more of a kid than I am now I guess) I used to have horrible nightmares. I can't really remember any of them. But I remember that after a month or so of my parents trying everything they could think of to get me back to sleep or to stop crying at stupid hours in the morning when I'd woke, they just gave up. I'd be crying in the room next to them and there was nothing they could do, so they just left me. And eventually I guess I just grew out of these strange nightmares that frightened me so much.
But lately I've been having nightmares again, mostly based on things that have happened in my life recently, just playing over and over. Like a ghost, ready to haunt me whenever I close my eyes. So yeah, I find it really hard to get to sleep in the first place, I'll often lay in bed for hours before I manage to drift off. Then I'll sleep for like 30 minutes at the very most before I'm woken up by these nightmares. And then I rarely get back to sleep.

So are nightmares common in adolescents and adults?? Well yes, about 50% of people have some kind of sleep problems. Be it sleep talking, nightmares or night terrors.

The sleep talking has reminded me of a rather embarrassing camping trip that happened a few weeks back. I often go on camping weeks/weekends with the dance team I'm with. And about a month ago I went and shared a tent with a lovely lady on our dance team called Helen. Then a couple of weeks ago on another trip, her dad was on the trip too. And me, him and a few other people, including my mam were talking. And somehow we got on to the subject of sleep (:D) and sleep talking. So my mam decides to share with the group of friends that "Oh yes, Emma sleep talks all the time, she keeps us awake when we're camping with all her mutterings." To which Helen's dad replies "Yeah, funny that, out Helen says that too."
So it appears not only do I have terrible dreams, but I also keep people awake with my sleep muttering. I wonder what I mutter about..? :) (One man tent and a tape recorder next time, ey?!)

So about sleep problems.. related to bipolar? I doubt it very much. But what about you guys?
And what can we do about it? A friend suggested to me, listening to music, or the radio. Which is good, it keeps you good company. But I find it keeps my brain working and I get caught up with the music or talk and can't get my head to stop thinking. So what I found, was similar. A sound track called "Rainy Mood". Which is effectively rain, and a bit of thunder. And it has helped me a little, and from what I hear has helped others. It's more affective on men though? D'you think? So that's what I do.. what about you?

We're all nobodies, so nobody is somebody, so sombody is everybody, so everybody is nobody. You with me? Nah, me neither, keep on reading though.

So.. this post is almost nothing to do with bipolar, and almost everything to do with nothing. And it's really long, but I would urge you to stick with it. It's the story of how I found hope and peace simply by a different outlook on the world. A world where everybody's a nobody. So keep reading.. you know you want to.

So.. I met a guy today and, before you're all like “ooh”, no, it's not like that at all. My horrific break up with my boyfriend is another story.. and frankly one I'm not quite ready to share yet.

I wasn't in the best of moods, for many reason, whether to do with bipolar or not I'm no longer sure but me and him just started chatting. He didn't introduce himself and in return nor did I. At first he seemed just rather pessimistic about life, the world, and just generally everything. But after talking to him some time I came to realize he was just being realistic. There was many people around who if they overheard any of what he was saying would immediately jump on him, claiming he was mad or stupid. And I have to admit that at first I wasn't quite sure what to think, it seemed to me that he was just putting on this act, trying to be some wise prophet with all the answers. Later when people had drifted off and I'd found myself captivated with his odd way of talking and seeing the world through his eyes. He was the talking kind, he just talked, and if you stayed around to listen good for you. The people that said he was stupid or mad were lucky to get a “Maybe so.. but in the end we're all nobodies in this world, so why should one care about another?”. He was not the type that was fussed if people called him names or tried to start pointless arguments. He argued with me though, or discussed however you would like to look at it. I had overheard him saying to someone, or maybe himself (I'm still not quite sure), that “We all claim to have lives.. but then again we all claim that at the end of those lives we die. Well then answer me this.. if at the end of our life all that's left is an end then what is the point in the life at the start? The world is not a funny place. The world, if that is what you like to call it, is simple, there is a purpose to everything and every person, even if every person is a nobody. But we do not die, you would be foolish to think so. The Buddhists are half way there.. they believe they have more than one life, that they have previous lives. But these previous lives do not belong to them, no not at all. They belong to someone else, it matters not who, because that somebody was a nobody, of course. So when you 'die' as you like to call it, you do not, you live on in somebody else as a 'past life' of theirs.”

I was intrigued by this speak from him and had inadvertently made it rather obvious I was listening. And as some good friends repeatedly tell me - “It's only awkward if you make it awkward.” So as to not make it awkward by trying to pretend I had not been listening, I started talking to this guy. I was interested as well of course, I was intrigued not only by the way he spoke and how he arranged his words. But also by the tone of his voice, so calm and even, as though he were telling somebody how the weather had been not an in depth conversation about life and (supposed) death. I study RE, Philosophy and Ethics, and have great interest in different religious matters, morals, ethics and generally all things linked. So I started talking to this guy, rather stubbornly at first, I disagreed with him about his idea of previous (or not so) lives of Buddhists. He seemed rather taken back by my disagreement, which I have to say was not something I expected, I would have thought many people disagreed with him often. And from what I heard later in our conversation they do, he was startled by the way I disagreed with him. He was not used to people doing it to find out more about his opinions, most people are too stubborn to listen. That's the trouble with people in this world, they are not open minded enough, and when they think they are right they will not just take the time to listen, they will argue and argue and argue. When our conversation came to a natural end (after about two hours) he asked me “I still do not see why you bother to converse with me. I mean you flatter me, with your listening. But why bother to converse with a nobody?” I told him he was very wise, and he was, wiser than anyone I've met before. Not old, not learnt through his years, but he just had a different outlook on everything. He told me, he was not wise, not at all. He was a nobody just like everyone else. He talked, that's just what he did. He did not talk wise talk, he did not preach or try to teach, he just talked. To everybody, to anybody, to himself. He talked. And when people spoke back, he listened and learned, but never stopped talking. Because in the end, I guess, if you don't talk, what can you learn? He spooked me a bit at first when he came down to talking properly to me, about me. He seemed to know a lot about my life. I was truly worried at first that he somehow knew me or one of my friends and he was just winding me up. But I came to realize, he didn't know me at all. I spoke back, and like he said he did he listened. He grew to learn a lot from me from the talking I did. And I do talk quite a lot, and therefore he learnt a lot. I'm not going to say he was an angel or anything, that he was totally amazing. He was just down to earth, he would freely tell me that I was annoying him or boring him. And I was thankful for his honesty. In the end of the day, he was just a nobody, with a different outlook on life to everyone else. But I liked his outlook very much.

I guess what he made me see.. was that no matter who you are, or what you've done with your life. No matter if you're a famous singer, or a small town girl working in a cafe, no matter if you're a drug addict, or someone with a mental problem... at the end of the day, we're all the same. You're looks, your height, weight, size, skin colour, nothing, will change the fact that we're all people. We're all the same when we're born and we're all the same throughout our lives. Although we may live thousands of miles away from other people, we still live in the same place. We're all nobodies.. and we're all looking to 'make something of our lives'. But..once we're gone, or living on in someone else, or as someone else, however you want to look at it. Nobody's going to remember. If you think you made something great of your life, or if you think you make a complete mess of your life. We're all the same, and people who judge you, are just people who are just like you but don't realize that they're exactly the same. And in 100 years time... who's going to care? Because then, it'll just be another world full of nobodies, trying to 'make something' of their lives.

And the rules we abide by? It's just something someone's said once..just another nobody trying to tell you how to live. Like a scientist theory. Someone says something they think, and it becomes a law, it doesn't mean it's right, it doesn't mean it's true. And yet we chose to believe it, we chose to think it's right, because we're just to lazy to think for ourselves sometimes, and argue. We're too afraid to conflict with people, to disagree, to stand up for ourselves and what we believe in. But why? Because we're scared of being judged? Because we don't want people to think we are crazy? But who are they to judge you, or say your crazy. If you have an opinion, good for you. Whether people chose to listen to you or not, that's not important, the trick is to listen to them, and to listen to yourself. Because after all, who understands you better than yourself. You'll get so much more out of life by listening. I'm not saying not to speak, speak loads, talk and talk and talk. Say everything, every opinion, however crazy. But don't let people who are gonna disagree with you just because they're stubborn bring you down. But listen when someone kindly disagrees, listen and learn. Be open minded.

You're just another nobody, in a truly crazy world. xx

Sisters, Friends & All Things Broken

Sorry this entry is so close behind the last one.. but I felt like it was something that just had to be said.. so yeah.

I remember when my sister had moved away and after a year or so after being back in touch with her, she was just completely fine. No one mentioned the bipolar and she was just like she always was, a happy bubbly teenager. Completely normal, no one who met her would ever think there was anything wrong with her, I even forgot from time to time.
And she fell in love.. like really in love, more in love than I've ever seen anyone in love before. And I knew the guy (and his brother) and they were both so lovely. His brother was my age so I talked to him loads and although him and his brother had all this pretend fighting and hatred for each other when he talked to me he was always saying how great his big brother was. And the times when I spoke to him, he was really nice, and I was glad my sister had fallen in love with such a great guy, and glad that he loved her back just as much.
But when they got together.. things changed. It was alright at first, they got on really well and joked around and had fun. She'd always come and tell me about all the fun they had out at the park or at the movies and all the sweet things he'd said. She told me about their first kiss and how nice it was to hold his hand and everything. But then.. they started arguing more and more and she would come and tell me how she'd cried for hours, how he wouldn't listen and how he didn't care.
It killed me almost as much as it killed her to think of how he treated her... and when she was sitting there thousands of miles away, crying down the phone, it made me cry. She'd tell me every time that she'd just be strong.. he had one more chance then that was it..
But i lost count of the times she rang me in the middle of the night and just cried..
But this is all in the past... At the time, it broke her as much as she said her bipolar had.. he messed with her head, as if it hadn't been messed with enough. She could see it, she just kept forgiving him, because she truly believed he loved her and that he's change for her..
Truth is.. no body changes, and if you think they have, you're dreaming.

I'm not saying this story is exclusive to people who suffer from bipolar disorder, not in the slightest, I'm seeing it happen now... I'm just saying it's a sad thing that someone you love can hurt you as much as a mental disorder can. I guess what I'm saying is.. be strong, and listen, please. I've seen it happen.. and it killed her, the strongest person I know, killed by a mental disorder and then by the man she loved...

Don't let me see it happen again :)




Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul,
So don't come come back for them,
Who do you think you are?

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

I've been thinking, I've been thinking too much.. I just want to live now for a little while..

So first off.. sorry about the title, it's lyrics from the Vonda Shepard song Maryland. I was listening to it on the car on my way back from holiday and it just helped me get out of all the thoughts and it just kinda describes this blog entry. And also sorry for this blog entry.. it's going to be more of a question than an answer, more of an idea than a solution. So yeah.. hope that's okay with you guys :).
So basically when I'm in a really manic mood (I usually like to call it a hyper mood because.. well I don't know really, it just makes me feel more normal, because everyone gets a bit hyper. But for the sake of this blog so everyone knows what I'm talking about, I'll call it a manic mood.) So yeah, anyway.. when I'm in a really manic or depressed mood.. everyone can tell. They might not know why or what's causing it but they can tell that I'm really not happy and there's something seriously wrong (at least when I'm depressed they know somethings wrong, when I'm hyper, they just think I'm really hyper or high or something). But then there's certain people that I just really don't want to realize there's something up. People that I really care about and know would worry so much if they knew, or even thought that something was up. And people that I know would act completely weird if they found out I was bipolar. And somehow just by acting happy and putting on a fake smile or whatever or toning down the hyperness they don't seem to think anything's wrong. I mean it doesn't always work and I have to come out with excuses and when it does work it's only because I've tried so hard.
So I don't know.. it's not exactly a cure for bipolar or anything.. it's just a thought. Because like I've said in my blogs before I'm apposed to most medicines.. especially the ones that change the way your brain works. I feel the brain, like the heart, is not something science should try to'fix'. It will work, maybe not like someone else's, but that doesn't mean it's working wrongly. So... I guess I just wanted to ask you guys (I know there's not many of you at the moment) what you though? Willpower over drugs? Drugs over Willpower? I guess i just wanted to say again that you can muddle through without drugs... I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's possible. Thanks for reading :) xx

One Of Those Days

You know when it's just been one of those days..? When you just want to go and curl up into a little ball and cry? To totally forget everything and just disappear?

Well yeah.. It's been one of THOSE days. And I don't even really know why. It's the last week of school before we break up before 6 weeks of a (hopefully) lovely summer holiday. So been on a school trip ice skating and the beach, the weather was pretty odd but that's to be expected.
So I don't know really.. I don't know what to blame my completely awful mood on.. I never like turning to Bipolar as an excuse for my feelings but this is one of those days when I really don't know what else to think. Sure it's not been the most perfect day.. I had a short conversation then a falling out with the person that means the most to me. But these things happen, they've happened before in a much worse way and no doubt they'll happen again. But today it was somehow different, just like I couldn't deal with anything. And maybe that is Bipolar or maybe that's just me losing grip on things completely, or maybe it's just Bipolar adding to the stress of any normal person, I really don't know.
And I think that's going to be one of the themes of my blog, my not knowing. I'm not gonna be a blogger that has all the answers for you. I'm just gonna be a person that you might be able to relate to and find some kind of support off. So like I've said in previous blogs.. feel free to ask question or comment. I'll do what I can to help you. 
So anyway.. If it was linked to bipolar.. this is what I've learnt:
I've learnt that people all have a different opinion on things, and there's always positives and negative to everything.
People have told my Rapid Cycling Bipolar is the worst kind. But I don't think there is a worst kind really, they're just different. In some ways, knowing I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar helps.. It's kind of like however shit I feel someone just has to remind me and it's like well in a day or two it'll all be okay. I know that's probably not the most scientific way of looking at it, and obviously you never know how long you may feel one way for, but that's just how I see it. But there's also the negatives of it being to Rapid Cycling that people don't understand, even people who know about your condition can't understand how it works, why one minute you're happy as anything and the next you're not. And arguments happen through not understanding, so the most important thing to me is to try to get people to understand. To raise awareness, not of me, just generally of Bipolar and how it effects different people. I'm not saying people not understanding is unique to Rapid Cycling Bipolar, I'm sure it's not, but I think it's more dramatic, the changes are less gradual and pretty full on. Anyway that's all I really wanted to say and I'm kind of getting into a subject that could take hours to explain so lets save the good and bad of different types of Bipolar Disorder for a different blog entry.

Like Sister, Like Sister

I felt like I needed to have a post dedicated to my beautiful sister, just to tell you guys all about her really and to try and help explain why some people with Bipolar Disorder choose not to take medication for it (it's not because we're mad! I promise).
My sister Alex, as well as being the strongest person I know is also the most beautiful and talented person I've ever met. She's a bit of a tom-boy but she's dead pretty. She's really bubbly and easy to get along with, or at least that's how I always think of her. She's a very talented musician but also very shy. Don't ask how she can be both bubbly and shy at the same time, she just is, one thing that people say we have in common a lot. Bubbly but shy :) She's plays guitar very well and has a voice like an angel.
Anyhow onto the thing I admire the most about her, her strentgh. She is an extremely strong person.
So yeah... When I was 12 and she was 15 she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. I'll not go into how she told the family and the truly awful night before she moved away from home to live half way around the world. But I will tell you that that night was the worst night of my life. 
My parents tried, and succeeded (after a while), to make me forget about it. They acted (and still do act) like she never existed, like she was never part of our family, never real.
I didn't have any contact with her for a couple of years, and it's only recently that I've been in touch with her again. It turns out she moved to Australia to live with some close friends out there. She started school and just a normal life, she claims their her family and they claim she is theirs. She goes by their surname and loves them all very much. She's very happy out there and they've given her loads of support through the disorder.
Alex went on various medications that the doctors advised for her condition and each one of them saw no improvement, some of them made her feel and act even worse. She won't tell me much of it, I think she feels like I need protecting from it all. And now that I've been diagnosed with a form of Bipolar disorder it's like she wants to tell me even less so her opinion and decisions don't effect (affect?) me. She has told me though that she had some hard times with the drugs and all the doctors she went to were really like pushy and wouldn't let her stop them when she felt worse. I felt horrible when i heard if my sister, older and bigger, yet seemingly so much more fragile, being forced to take drugs she didn't want. And when I was diagnosed I just plain refused. My sister had got through with sheer willpower, so why wouldn't I be able to?
She's strong now, stronger than ever. Enless you know her really, really well you wouldn't even know she was bipolar.
And that's without meds. So that's why some people choose not to take medication, because some people have seen that willpower can be just as strong as any medicines.
I must stress that this is not always the case, and when I told my doctor I didn't want any meds. he told me I was crazy and to get out of his office. So yeah.. different people have different viewpoints.

So basically what I'm trying to say, is that with the right people around you, anything is possible, and I've got my amazing sister Alexis to thank for showing me that. :)

The First Few Months

So I was diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder on 3rd May 2011. And yeah... those first few weeks were the hardest. It was kind of like I was living in a bubble. I didn't tell anyone, I almost felt ashamed of it. So I'm hoping that by starting this blog, it'll give me a chance to open up to everybody and let them see into my world a bit, to understand me better. Only a few of my very close friends know about my disorder.
When the doctor first told me I just like blanked out, I didn't know what to think, it was like I was shutting down. And then I just remember being angry, really angry. I downright refused to listen to anything he'd say and refused to take any of the tests or medication he was offering. I think I thought that if I just ignored it it would go away. My older sister is also Bipolar and none of the meds worked for her when she went through this all. She went on various meds and all they did was make her worse. I guess I was scared that would happen to me too...
But after a while, still without any medication for it, I just got used to it a bit. There are still times when I feel so different and lose it with people and get into stupid argument that I shouldn't. But I'm starting to realize that talking helps.

So basically that's what this blog is for. Talking. About bipolar, about anything. Feel free to ask me questions or anything, I'm here to help.