I've been thinking, I've been thinking too much.. I just want to live now for a little while..

So first off.. sorry about the title, it's lyrics from the Vonda Shepard song Maryland. I was listening to it on the car on my way back from holiday and it just helped me get out of all the thoughts and it just kinda describes this blog entry. And also sorry for this blog entry.. it's going to be more of a question than an answer, more of an idea than a solution. So yeah.. hope that's okay with you guys :).
So basically when I'm in a really manic mood (I usually like to call it a hyper mood because.. well I don't know really, it just makes me feel more normal, because everyone gets a bit hyper. But for the sake of this blog so everyone knows what I'm talking about, I'll call it a manic mood.) So yeah, anyway.. when I'm in a really manic or depressed mood.. everyone can tell. They might not know why or what's causing it but they can tell that I'm really not happy and there's something seriously wrong (at least when I'm depressed they know somethings wrong, when I'm hyper, they just think I'm really hyper or high or something). But then there's certain people that I just really don't want to realize there's something up. People that I really care about and know would worry so much if they knew, or even thought that something was up. And people that I know would act completely weird if they found out I was bipolar. And somehow just by acting happy and putting on a fake smile or whatever or toning down the hyperness they don't seem to think anything's wrong. I mean it doesn't always work and I have to come out with excuses and when it does work it's only because I've tried so hard.
So I don't know.. it's not exactly a cure for bipolar or anything.. it's just a thought. Because like I've said in my blogs before I'm apposed to most medicines.. especially the ones that change the way your brain works. I feel the brain, like the heart, is not something science should try to'fix'. It will work, maybe not like someone else's, but that doesn't mean it's working wrongly. So... I guess I just wanted to ask you guys (I know there's not many of you at the moment) what you though? Willpower over drugs? Drugs over Willpower? I guess i just wanted to say again that you can muddle through without drugs... I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's possible. Thanks for reading :) xx

Like Sister, Like Sister

I felt like I needed to have a post dedicated to my beautiful sister, just to tell you guys all about her really and to try and help explain why some people with Bipolar Disorder choose not to take medication for it (it's not because we're mad! I promise).
My sister Alex, as well as being the strongest person I know is also the most beautiful and talented person I've ever met. She's a bit of a tom-boy but she's dead pretty. She's really bubbly and easy to get along with, or at least that's how I always think of her. She's a very talented musician but also very shy. Don't ask how she can be both bubbly and shy at the same time, she just is, one thing that people say we have in common a lot. Bubbly but shy :) She's plays guitar very well and has a voice like an angel.
Anyhow onto the thing I admire the most about her, her strentgh. She is an extremely strong person.
So yeah... When I was 12 and she was 15 she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. I'll not go into how she told the family and the truly awful night before she moved away from home to live half way around the world. But I will tell you that that night was the worst night of my life. 
My parents tried, and succeeded (after a while), to make me forget about it. They acted (and still do act) like she never existed, like she was never part of our family, never real.
I didn't have any contact with her for a couple of years, and it's only recently that I've been in touch with her again. It turns out she moved to Australia to live with some close friends out there. She started school and just a normal life, she claims their her family and they claim she is theirs. She goes by their surname and loves them all very much. She's very happy out there and they've given her loads of support through the disorder.
Alex went on various medications that the doctors advised for her condition and each one of them saw no improvement, some of them made her feel and act even worse. She won't tell me much of it, I think she feels like I need protecting from it all. And now that I've been diagnosed with a form of Bipolar disorder it's like she wants to tell me even less so her opinion and decisions don't effect (affect?) me. She has told me though that she had some hard times with the drugs and all the doctors she went to were really like pushy and wouldn't let her stop them when she felt worse. I felt horrible when i heard if my sister, older and bigger, yet seemingly so much more fragile, being forced to take drugs she didn't want. And when I was diagnosed I just plain refused. My sister had got through with sheer willpower, so why wouldn't I be able to?
She's strong now, stronger than ever. Enless you know her really, really well you wouldn't even know she was bipolar.
And that's without meds. So that's why some people choose not to take medication, because some people have seen that willpower can be just as strong as any medicines.
I must stress that this is not always the case, and when I told my doctor I didn't want any meds. he told me I was crazy and to get out of his office. So yeah.. different people have different viewpoints.

So basically what I'm trying to say, is that with the right people around you, anything is possible, and I've got my amazing sister Alexis to thank for showing me that. :)

The First Few Months

So I was diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder on 3rd May 2011. And yeah... those first few weeks were the hardest. It was kind of like I was living in a bubble. I didn't tell anyone, I almost felt ashamed of it. So I'm hoping that by starting this blog, it'll give me a chance to open up to everybody and let them see into my world a bit, to understand me better. Only a few of my very close friends know about my disorder.
When the doctor first told me I just like blanked out, I didn't know what to think, it was like I was shutting down. And then I just remember being angry, really angry. I downright refused to listen to anything he'd say and refused to take any of the tests or medication he was offering. I think I thought that if I just ignored it it would go away. My older sister is also Bipolar and none of the meds worked for her when she went through this all. She went on various meds and all they did was make her worse. I guess I was scared that would happen to me too...
But after a while, still without any medication for it, I just got used to it a bit. There are still times when I feel so different and lose it with people and get into stupid argument that I shouldn't. But I'm starting to realize that talking helps.

So basically that's what this blog is for. Talking. About bipolar, about anything. Feel free to ask me questions or anything, I'm here to help.