I've been thinking, I've been thinking too much.. I just want to live now for a little while..

So first off.. sorry about the title, it's lyrics from the Vonda Shepard song Maryland. I was listening to it on the car on my way back from holiday and it just helped me get out of all the thoughts and it just kinda describes this blog entry. And also sorry for this blog entry.. it's going to be more of a question than an answer, more of an idea than a solution. So yeah.. hope that's okay with you guys :).
So basically when I'm in a really manic mood (I usually like to call it a hyper mood because.. well I don't know really, it just makes me feel more normal, because everyone gets a bit hyper. But for the sake of this blog so everyone knows what I'm talking about, I'll call it a manic mood.) So yeah, anyway.. when I'm in a really manic or depressed mood.. everyone can tell. They might not know why or what's causing it but they can tell that I'm really not happy and there's something seriously wrong (at least when I'm depressed they know somethings wrong, when I'm hyper, they just think I'm really hyper or high or something). But then there's certain people that I just really don't want to realize there's something up. People that I really care about and know would worry so much if they knew, or even thought that something was up. And people that I know would act completely weird if they found out I was bipolar. And somehow just by acting happy and putting on a fake smile or whatever or toning down the hyperness they don't seem to think anything's wrong. I mean it doesn't always work and I have to come out with excuses and when it does work it's only because I've tried so hard.
So I don't know.. it's not exactly a cure for bipolar or anything.. it's just a thought. Because like I've said in my blogs before I'm apposed to most medicines.. especially the ones that change the way your brain works. I feel the brain, like the heart, is not something science should try to'fix'. It will work, maybe not like someone else's, but that doesn't mean it's working wrongly. So... I guess I just wanted to ask you guys (I know there's not many of you at the moment) what you though? Willpower over drugs? Drugs over Willpower? I guess i just wanted to say again that you can muddle through without drugs... I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's possible. Thanks for reading :) xx

One Of Those Days

You know when it's just been one of those days..? When you just want to go and curl up into a little ball and cry? To totally forget everything and just disappear?

Well yeah.. It's been one of THOSE days. And I don't even really know why. It's the last week of school before we break up before 6 weeks of a (hopefully) lovely summer holiday. So been on a school trip ice skating and the beach, the weather was pretty odd but that's to be expected.
So I don't know really.. I don't know what to blame my completely awful mood on.. I never like turning to Bipolar as an excuse for my feelings but this is one of those days when I really don't know what else to think. Sure it's not been the most perfect day.. I had a short conversation then a falling out with the person that means the most to me. But these things happen, they've happened before in a much worse way and no doubt they'll happen again. But today it was somehow different, just like I couldn't deal with anything. And maybe that is Bipolar or maybe that's just me losing grip on things completely, or maybe it's just Bipolar adding to the stress of any normal person, I really don't know.
And I think that's going to be one of the themes of my blog, my not knowing. I'm not gonna be a blogger that has all the answers for you. I'm just gonna be a person that you might be able to relate to and find some kind of support off. So like I've said in previous blogs.. feel free to ask question or comment. I'll do what I can to help you. 
So anyway.. If it was linked to bipolar.. this is what I've learnt:
I've learnt that people all have a different opinion on things, and there's always positives and negative to everything.
People have told my Rapid Cycling Bipolar is the worst kind. But I don't think there is a worst kind really, they're just different. In some ways, knowing I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar helps.. It's kind of like however shit I feel someone just has to remind me and it's like well in a day or two it'll all be okay. I know that's probably not the most scientific way of looking at it, and obviously you never know how long you may feel one way for, but that's just how I see it. But there's also the negatives of it being to Rapid Cycling that people don't understand, even people who know about your condition can't understand how it works, why one minute you're happy as anything and the next you're not. And arguments happen through not understanding, so the most important thing to me is to try to get people to understand. To raise awareness, not of me, just generally of Bipolar and how it effects different people. I'm not saying people not understanding is unique to Rapid Cycling Bipolar, I'm sure it's not, but I think it's more dramatic, the changes are less gradual and pretty full on. Anyway that's all I really wanted to say and I'm kind of getting into a subject that could take hours to explain so lets save the good and bad of different types of Bipolar Disorder for a different blog entry.