Time To Talk. Time To Change

So basically this is gonna be a really short entry (hopefully!) just to tell you guys about the "Time To Talk. Time To Change" campaign. It's basically an on going campaign to erase the stigma that seems to follow Mental Health Disorders where ever they go..
As the title suggests it's basically about talking about it!! You guys have been brilliant about talking about it :) And talking about my experiences has been really, really great. Loads of people have been so understanding and like interested! Which really surprised me at first.

So yeah.. hopefully if the links and stuff works.. (I haven't used links before in this blog! :o exciting right?!) hopefully, you lovely people will be able to go straight to the website for "Time to Talk. Time To Change" right... here :
 http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/home

And right here (hopefully) you guys will be able to go straight to a YouTube advert about what "Time To Talk. Time To Change." is all about (!) :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tiYbhVBjTk

So have a look around, see what it's all about, follow the campaign on twitter and facebook and all those lovely things :)

Sisters, Friends & All Things Broken

Sorry this entry is so close behind the last one.. but I felt like it was something that just had to be said.. so yeah.

I remember when my sister had moved away and after a year or so after being back in touch with her, she was just completely fine. No one mentioned the bipolar and she was just like she always was, a happy bubbly teenager. Completely normal, no one who met her would ever think there was anything wrong with her, I even forgot from time to time.
And she fell in love.. like really in love, more in love than I've ever seen anyone in love before. And I knew the guy (and his brother) and they were both so lovely. His brother was my age so I talked to him loads and although him and his brother had all this pretend fighting and hatred for each other when he talked to me he was always saying how great his big brother was. And the times when I spoke to him, he was really nice, and I was glad my sister had fallen in love with such a great guy, and glad that he loved her back just as much.
But when they got together.. things changed. It was alright at first, they got on really well and joked around and had fun. She'd always come and tell me about all the fun they had out at the park or at the movies and all the sweet things he'd said. She told me about their first kiss and how nice it was to hold his hand and everything. But then.. they started arguing more and more and she would come and tell me how she'd cried for hours, how he wouldn't listen and how he didn't care.
It killed me almost as much as it killed her to think of how he treated her... and when she was sitting there thousands of miles away, crying down the phone, it made me cry. She'd tell me every time that she'd just be strong.. he had one more chance then that was it..
But i lost count of the times she rang me in the middle of the night and just cried..
But this is all in the past... At the time, it broke her as much as she said her bipolar had.. he messed with her head, as if it hadn't been messed with enough. She could see it, she just kept forgiving him, because she truly believed he loved her and that he's change for her..
Truth is.. no body changes, and if you think they have, you're dreaming.

I'm not saying this story is exclusive to people who suffer from bipolar disorder, not in the slightest, I'm seeing it happen now... I'm just saying it's a sad thing that someone you love can hurt you as much as a mental disorder can. I guess what I'm saying is.. be strong, and listen, please. I've seen it happen.. and it killed her, the strongest person I know, killed by a mental disorder and then by the man she loved...

Don't let me see it happen again :)




Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul,
So don't come come back for them,
Who do you think you are?

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

I've been thinking, I've been thinking too much.. I just want to live now for a little while..

So first off.. sorry about the title, it's lyrics from the Vonda Shepard song Maryland. I was listening to it on the car on my way back from holiday and it just helped me get out of all the thoughts and it just kinda describes this blog entry. And also sorry for this blog entry.. it's going to be more of a question than an answer, more of an idea than a solution. So yeah.. hope that's okay with you guys :).
So basically when I'm in a really manic mood (I usually like to call it a hyper mood because.. well I don't know really, it just makes me feel more normal, because everyone gets a bit hyper. But for the sake of this blog so everyone knows what I'm talking about, I'll call it a manic mood.) So yeah, anyway.. when I'm in a really manic or depressed mood.. everyone can tell. They might not know why or what's causing it but they can tell that I'm really not happy and there's something seriously wrong (at least when I'm depressed they know somethings wrong, when I'm hyper, they just think I'm really hyper or high or something). But then there's certain people that I just really don't want to realize there's something up. People that I really care about and know would worry so much if they knew, or even thought that something was up. And people that I know would act completely weird if they found out I was bipolar. And somehow just by acting happy and putting on a fake smile or whatever or toning down the hyperness they don't seem to think anything's wrong. I mean it doesn't always work and I have to come out with excuses and when it does work it's only because I've tried so hard.
So I don't know.. it's not exactly a cure for bipolar or anything.. it's just a thought. Because like I've said in my blogs before I'm apposed to most medicines.. especially the ones that change the way your brain works. I feel the brain, like the heart, is not something science should try to'fix'. It will work, maybe not like someone else's, but that doesn't mean it's working wrongly. So... I guess I just wanted to ask you guys (I know there's not many of you at the moment) what you though? Willpower over drugs? Drugs over Willpower? I guess i just wanted to say again that you can muddle through without drugs... I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's possible. Thanks for reading :) xx

One Of Those Days

You know when it's just been one of those days..? When you just want to go and curl up into a little ball and cry? To totally forget everything and just disappear?

Well yeah.. It's been one of THOSE days. And I don't even really know why. It's the last week of school before we break up before 6 weeks of a (hopefully) lovely summer holiday. So been on a school trip ice skating and the beach, the weather was pretty odd but that's to be expected.
So I don't know really.. I don't know what to blame my completely awful mood on.. I never like turning to Bipolar as an excuse for my feelings but this is one of those days when I really don't know what else to think. Sure it's not been the most perfect day.. I had a short conversation then a falling out with the person that means the most to me. But these things happen, they've happened before in a much worse way and no doubt they'll happen again. But today it was somehow different, just like I couldn't deal with anything. And maybe that is Bipolar or maybe that's just me losing grip on things completely, or maybe it's just Bipolar adding to the stress of any normal person, I really don't know.
And I think that's going to be one of the themes of my blog, my not knowing. I'm not gonna be a blogger that has all the answers for you. I'm just gonna be a person that you might be able to relate to and find some kind of support off. So like I've said in previous blogs.. feel free to ask question or comment. I'll do what I can to help you. 
So anyway.. If it was linked to bipolar.. this is what I've learnt:
I've learnt that people all have a different opinion on things, and there's always positives and negative to everything.
People have told my Rapid Cycling Bipolar is the worst kind. But I don't think there is a worst kind really, they're just different. In some ways, knowing I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar helps.. It's kind of like however shit I feel someone just has to remind me and it's like well in a day or two it'll all be okay. I know that's probably not the most scientific way of looking at it, and obviously you never know how long you may feel one way for, but that's just how I see it. But there's also the negatives of it being to Rapid Cycling that people don't understand, even people who know about your condition can't understand how it works, why one minute you're happy as anything and the next you're not. And arguments happen through not understanding, so the most important thing to me is to try to get people to understand. To raise awareness, not of me, just generally of Bipolar and how it effects different people. I'm not saying people not understanding is unique to Rapid Cycling Bipolar, I'm sure it's not, but I think it's more dramatic, the changes are less gradual and pretty full on. Anyway that's all I really wanted to say and I'm kind of getting into a subject that could take hours to explain so lets save the good and bad of different types of Bipolar Disorder for a different blog entry.

Like Sister, Like Sister

I felt like I needed to have a post dedicated to my beautiful sister, just to tell you guys all about her really and to try and help explain why some people with Bipolar Disorder choose not to take medication for it (it's not because we're mad! I promise).
My sister Alex, as well as being the strongest person I know is also the most beautiful and talented person I've ever met. She's a bit of a tom-boy but she's dead pretty. She's really bubbly and easy to get along with, or at least that's how I always think of her. She's a very talented musician but also very shy. Don't ask how she can be both bubbly and shy at the same time, she just is, one thing that people say we have in common a lot. Bubbly but shy :) She's plays guitar very well and has a voice like an angel.
Anyhow onto the thing I admire the most about her, her strentgh. She is an extremely strong person.
So yeah... When I was 12 and she was 15 she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. I'll not go into how she told the family and the truly awful night before she moved away from home to live half way around the world. But I will tell you that that night was the worst night of my life. 
My parents tried, and succeeded (after a while), to make me forget about it. They acted (and still do act) like she never existed, like she was never part of our family, never real.
I didn't have any contact with her for a couple of years, and it's only recently that I've been in touch with her again. It turns out she moved to Australia to live with some close friends out there. She started school and just a normal life, she claims their her family and they claim she is theirs. She goes by their surname and loves them all very much. She's very happy out there and they've given her loads of support through the disorder.
Alex went on various medications that the doctors advised for her condition and each one of them saw no improvement, some of them made her feel and act even worse. She won't tell me much of it, I think she feels like I need protecting from it all. And now that I've been diagnosed with a form of Bipolar disorder it's like she wants to tell me even less so her opinion and decisions don't effect (affect?) me. She has told me though that she had some hard times with the drugs and all the doctors she went to were really like pushy and wouldn't let her stop them when she felt worse. I felt horrible when i heard if my sister, older and bigger, yet seemingly so much more fragile, being forced to take drugs she didn't want. And when I was diagnosed I just plain refused. My sister had got through with sheer willpower, so why wouldn't I be able to?
She's strong now, stronger than ever. Enless you know her really, really well you wouldn't even know she was bipolar.
And that's without meds. So that's why some people choose not to take medication, because some people have seen that willpower can be just as strong as any medicines.
I must stress that this is not always the case, and when I told my doctor I didn't want any meds. he told me I was crazy and to get out of his office. So yeah.. different people have different viewpoints.

So basically what I'm trying to say, is that with the right people around you, anything is possible, and I've got my amazing sister Alexis to thank for showing me that. :)