Feeling Sleepy?

So.. I wanted to talk about SLEEP.

As we all know, we need sleep, if we didn't get sleep, we would die. End of.

So what about when you just can't get to sleep? What then? I want to know.. what do you guys do? Any wacky before bed rituals?? :)

So my parents say as I child I never slept. When I was a baby I would be waking them up every hour or so, just crying, and wouldn't go back to sleep for ages. Something which I still think they hold against me now.. Unlike my perfect big brother who slept through the whole of the night every night haha. Anyone else have that? A sibling that's perfect in every way?? :P
And then as a kid (well more of a kid than I am now I guess) I used to have horrible nightmares. I can't really remember any of them. But I remember that after a month or so of my parents trying everything they could think of to get me back to sleep or to stop crying at stupid hours in the morning when I'd woke, they just gave up. I'd be crying in the room next to them and there was nothing they could do, so they just left me. And eventually I guess I just grew out of these strange nightmares that frightened me so much.
But lately I've been having nightmares again, mostly based on things that have happened in my life recently, just playing over and over. Like a ghost, ready to haunt me whenever I close my eyes. So yeah, I find it really hard to get to sleep in the first place, I'll often lay in bed for hours before I manage to drift off. Then I'll sleep for like 30 minutes at the very most before I'm woken up by these nightmares. And then I rarely get back to sleep.

So are nightmares common in adolescents and adults?? Well yes, about 50% of people have some kind of sleep problems. Be it sleep talking, nightmares or night terrors.

The sleep talking has reminded me of a rather embarrassing camping trip that happened a few weeks back. I often go on camping weeks/weekends with the dance team I'm with. And about a month ago I went and shared a tent with a lovely lady on our dance team called Helen. Then a couple of weeks ago on another trip, her dad was on the trip too. And me, him and a few other people, including my mam were talking. And somehow we got on to the subject of sleep (:D) and sleep talking. So my mam decides to share with the group of friends that "Oh yes, Emma sleep talks all the time, she keeps us awake when we're camping with all her mutterings." To which Helen's dad replies "Yeah, funny that, out Helen says that too."
So it appears not only do I have terrible dreams, but I also keep people awake with my sleep muttering. I wonder what I mutter about..? :) (One man tent and a tape recorder next time, ey?!)

So about sleep problems.. related to bipolar? I doubt it very much. But what about you guys?
And what can we do about it? A friend suggested to me, listening to music, or the radio. Which is good, it keeps you good company. But I find it keeps my brain working and I get caught up with the music or talk and can't get my head to stop thinking. So what I found, was similar. A sound track called "Rainy Mood". Which is effectively rain, and a bit of thunder. And it has helped me a little, and from what I hear has helped others. It's more affective on men though? D'you think? So that's what I do.. what about you?

Sisters, Friends & All Things Broken

Sorry this entry is so close behind the last one.. but I felt like it was something that just had to be said.. so yeah.

I remember when my sister had moved away and after a year or so after being back in touch with her, she was just completely fine. No one mentioned the bipolar and she was just like she always was, a happy bubbly teenager. Completely normal, no one who met her would ever think there was anything wrong with her, I even forgot from time to time.
And she fell in love.. like really in love, more in love than I've ever seen anyone in love before. And I knew the guy (and his brother) and they were both so lovely. His brother was my age so I talked to him loads and although him and his brother had all this pretend fighting and hatred for each other when he talked to me he was always saying how great his big brother was. And the times when I spoke to him, he was really nice, and I was glad my sister had fallen in love with such a great guy, and glad that he loved her back just as much.
But when they got together.. things changed. It was alright at first, they got on really well and joked around and had fun. She'd always come and tell me about all the fun they had out at the park or at the movies and all the sweet things he'd said. She told me about their first kiss and how nice it was to hold his hand and everything. But then.. they started arguing more and more and she would come and tell me how she'd cried for hours, how he wouldn't listen and how he didn't care.
It killed me almost as much as it killed her to think of how he treated her... and when she was sitting there thousands of miles away, crying down the phone, it made me cry. She'd tell me every time that she'd just be strong.. he had one more chance then that was it..
But i lost count of the times she rang me in the middle of the night and just cried..
But this is all in the past... At the time, it broke her as much as she said her bipolar had.. he messed with her head, as if it hadn't been messed with enough. She could see it, she just kept forgiving him, because she truly believed he loved her and that he's change for her..
Truth is.. no body changes, and if you think they have, you're dreaming.

I'm not saying this story is exclusive to people who suffer from bipolar disorder, not in the slightest, I'm seeing it happen now... I'm just saying it's a sad thing that someone you love can hurt you as much as a mental disorder can. I guess what I'm saying is.. be strong, and listen, please. I've seen it happen.. and it killed her, the strongest person I know, killed by a mental disorder and then by the man she loved...

Don't let me see it happen again :)




Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul,
So don't come come back for them,
Who do you think you are?

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

I've been thinking, I've been thinking too much.. I just want to live now for a little while..

So first off.. sorry about the title, it's lyrics from the Vonda Shepard song Maryland. I was listening to it on the car on my way back from holiday and it just helped me get out of all the thoughts and it just kinda describes this blog entry. And also sorry for this blog entry.. it's going to be more of a question than an answer, more of an idea than a solution. So yeah.. hope that's okay with you guys :).
So basically when I'm in a really manic mood (I usually like to call it a hyper mood because.. well I don't know really, it just makes me feel more normal, because everyone gets a bit hyper. But for the sake of this blog so everyone knows what I'm talking about, I'll call it a manic mood.) So yeah, anyway.. when I'm in a really manic or depressed mood.. everyone can tell. They might not know why or what's causing it but they can tell that I'm really not happy and there's something seriously wrong (at least when I'm depressed they know somethings wrong, when I'm hyper, they just think I'm really hyper or high or something). But then there's certain people that I just really don't want to realize there's something up. People that I really care about and know would worry so much if they knew, or even thought that something was up. And people that I know would act completely weird if they found out I was bipolar. And somehow just by acting happy and putting on a fake smile or whatever or toning down the hyperness they don't seem to think anything's wrong. I mean it doesn't always work and I have to come out with excuses and when it does work it's only because I've tried so hard.
So I don't know.. it's not exactly a cure for bipolar or anything.. it's just a thought. Because like I've said in my blogs before I'm apposed to most medicines.. especially the ones that change the way your brain works. I feel the brain, like the heart, is not something science should try to'fix'. It will work, maybe not like someone else's, but that doesn't mean it's working wrongly. So... I guess I just wanted to ask you guys (I know there's not many of you at the moment) what you though? Willpower over drugs? Drugs over Willpower? I guess i just wanted to say again that you can muddle through without drugs... I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's possible. Thanks for reading :) xx

One Of Those Days

You know when it's just been one of those days..? When you just want to go and curl up into a little ball and cry? To totally forget everything and just disappear?

Well yeah.. It's been one of THOSE days. And I don't even really know why. It's the last week of school before we break up before 6 weeks of a (hopefully) lovely summer holiday. So been on a school trip ice skating and the beach, the weather was pretty odd but that's to be expected.
So I don't know really.. I don't know what to blame my completely awful mood on.. I never like turning to Bipolar as an excuse for my feelings but this is one of those days when I really don't know what else to think. Sure it's not been the most perfect day.. I had a short conversation then a falling out with the person that means the most to me. But these things happen, they've happened before in a much worse way and no doubt they'll happen again. But today it was somehow different, just like I couldn't deal with anything. And maybe that is Bipolar or maybe that's just me losing grip on things completely, or maybe it's just Bipolar adding to the stress of any normal person, I really don't know.
And I think that's going to be one of the themes of my blog, my not knowing. I'm not gonna be a blogger that has all the answers for you. I'm just gonna be a person that you might be able to relate to and find some kind of support off. So like I've said in previous blogs.. feel free to ask question or comment. I'll do what I can to help you. 
So anyway.. If it was linked to bipolar.. this is what I've learnt:
I've learnt that people all have a different opinion on things, and there's always positives and negative to everything.
People have told my Rapid Cycling Bipolar is the worst kind. But I don't think there is a worst kind really, they're just different. In some ways, knowing I have Rapid Cycling Bipolar helps.. It's kind of like however shit I feel someone just has to remind me and it's like well in a day or two it'll all be okay. I know that's probably not the most scientific way of looking at it, and obviously you never know how long you may feel one way for, but that's just how I see it. But there's also the negatives of it being to Rapid Cycling that people don't understand, even people who know about your condition can't understand how it works, why one minute you're happy as anything and the next you're not. And arguments happen through not understanding, so the most important thing to me is to try to get people to understand. To raise awareness, not of me, just generally of Bipolar and how it effects different people. I'm not saying people not understanding is unique to Rapid Cycling Bipolar, I'm sure it's not, but I think it's more dramatic, the changes are less gradual and pretty full on. Anyway that's all I really wanted to say and I'm kind of getting into a subject that could take hours to explain so lets save the good and bad of different types of Bipolar Disorder for a different blog entry.