So.. this post is almost nothing to do with bipolar, and almost everything to do with nothing. And it's really long, but I would urge you to stick with it. It's the story of how I found hope and peace simply by a different outlook on the world. A world where everybody's a nobody. So keep reading.. you know you want to.
So.. I met a guy today and, before you're all like “ooh”, no, it's not like that at all. My horrific break up with my boyfriend is another story.. and frankly one I'm not quite ready to share yet.
I wasn't in the best of moods, for many reason, whether to do with bipolar or not I'm no longer sure but me and him just started chatting. He didn't introduce himself and in return nor did I. At first he seemed just rather pessimistic about life, the world, and just generally everything. But after talking to him some time I came to realize he was just being realistic. There was many people around who if they overheard any of what he was saying would immediately jump on him, claiming he was mad or stupid. And I have to admit that at first I wasn't quite sure what to think, it seemed to me that he was just putting on this act, trying to be some wise prophet with all the answers. Later when people had drifted off and I'd found myself captivated with his odd way of talking and seeing the world through his eyes. He was the talking kind, he just talked, and if you stayed around to listen good for you. The people that said he was stupid or mad were lucky to get a “Maybe so.. but in the end we're all nobodies in this world, so why should one care about another?”. He was not the type that was fussed if people called him names or tried to start pointless arguments. He argued with me though, or discussed however you would like to look at it. I had overheard him saying to someone, or maybe himself (I'm still not quite sure), that “We all claim to have lives.. but then again we all claim that at the end of those lives we die. Well then answer me this.. if at the end of our life all that's left is an end then what is the point in the life at the start? The world is not a funny place. The world, if that is what you like to call it, is simple, there is a purpose to everything and every person, even if every person is a nobody. But we do not die, you would be foolish to think so. The Buddhists are half way there.. they believe they have more than one life, that they have previous lives. But these previous lives do not belong to them, no not at all. They belong to someone else, it matters not who, because that somebody was a nobody, of course. So when you 'die' as you like to call it, you do not, you live on in somebody else as a 'past life' of theirs.”
I was intrigued by this speak from him and had inadvertently made it rather obvious I was listening. And as some good friends repeatedly tell me - “It's only awkward if you make it awkward.” So as to not make it awkward by trying to pretend I had not been listening, I started talking to this guy. I was interested as well of course, I was intrigued not only by the way he spoke and how he arranged his words. But also by the tone of his voice, so calm and even, as though he were telling somebody how the weather had been not an in depth conversation about life and (supposed) death. I study RE, Philosophy and Ethics, and have great interest in different religious matters, morals, ethics and generally all things linked. So I started talking to this guy, rather stubbornly at first, I disagreed with him about his idea of previous (or not so) lives of Buddhists. He seemed rather taken back by my disagreement, which I have to say was not something I expected, I would have thought many people disagreed with him often. And from what I heard later in our conversation they do, he was startled by the way I disagreed with him. He was not used to people doing it to find out more about his opinions, most people are too stubborn to listen. That's the trouble with people in this world, they are not open minded enough, and when they think they are right they will not just take the time to listen, they will argue and argue and argue. When our conversation came to a natural end (after about two hours) he asked me “I still do not see why you bother to converse with me. I mean you flatter me, with your listening. But why bother to converse with a nobody?” I told him he was very wise, and he was, wiser than anyone I've met before. Not old, not learnt through his years, but he just had a different outlook on everything. He told me, he was not wise, not at all. He was a nobody just like everyone else. He talked, that's just what he did. He did not talk wise talk, he did not preach or try to teach, he just talked. To everybody, to anybody, to himself. He talked. And when people spoke back, he listened and learned, but never stopped talking. Because in the end, I guess, if you don't talk, what can you learn? He spooked me a bit at first when he came down to talking properly to me, about me. He seemed to know a lot about my life. I was truly worried at first that he somehow knew me or one of my friends and he was just winding me up. But I came to realize, he didn't know me at all. I spoke back, and like he said he did he listened. He grew to learn a lot from me from the talking I did. And I do talk quite a lot, and therefore he learnt a lot. I'm not going to say he was an angel or anything, that he was totally amazing. He was just down to earth, he would freely tell me that I was annoying him or boring him. And I was thankful for his honesty. In the end of the day, he was just a nobody, with a different outlook on life to everyone else. But I liked his outlook very much.
I guess what he made me see.. was that no matter who you are, or what you've done with your life. No matter if you're a famous singer, or a small town girl working in a cafe, no matter if you're a drug addict, or someone with a mental problem... at the end of the day, we're all the same. You're looks, your height, weight, size, skin colour, nothing, will change the fact that we're all people. We're all the same when we're born and we're all the same throughout our lives. Although we may live thousands of miles away from other people, we still live in the same place. We're all nobodies.. and we're all looking to 'make something of our lives'. But..once we're gone, or living on in someone else, or as someone else, however you want to look at it. Nobody's going to remember. If you think you made something great of your life, or if you think you make a complete mess of your life. We're all the same, and people who judge you, are just people who are just like you but don't realize that they're exactly the same. And in 100 years time... who's going to care? Because then, it'll just be another world full of nobodies, trying to 'make something' of their lives.
And the rules we abide by? It's just something someone's said once..just another nobody trying to tell you how to live. Like a scientist theory. Someone says something they think, and it becomes a law, it doesn't mean it's right, it doesn't mean it's true. And yet we chose to believe it, we chose to think it's right, because we're just to lazy to think for ourselves sometimes, and argue. We're too afraid to conflict with people, to disagree, to stand up for ourselves and what we believe in. But why? Because we're scared of being judged? Because we don't want people to think we are crazy? But who are they to judge you, or say your crazy. If you have an opinion, good for you. Whether people chose to listen to you or not, that's not important, the trick is to listen to them, and to listen to yourself. Because after all, who understands you better than yourself. You'll get so much more out of life by listening. I'm not saying not to speak, speak loads, talk and talk and talk. Say everything, every opinion, however crazy. But don't let people who are gonna disagree with you just because they're stubborn bring you down. But listen when someone kindly disagrees, listen and learn. Be open minded.
You're just another nobody, in a truly crazy world. xx
